I Was Attacked

I was attacked

The moment I least expected it

Just when I let the lie slip into my mind that I had my life together

Let me give you a little backstory-

Last Wednesday I wrote a blog on how incredibly thankful I was for God working in me this summer and growing me and for the new relationships I've made. Don't get me wrong, I'm still insanely thankful for each of those things but little did I know the battle I was about to walk into.

If I'm being honest, I've struggled with an addiction to pornography since I was 11. And I don't ever really include this as part of my testimony because I hate that it's something I struggle with. I hate that sometimes when I admit this, I allow the enemy to give me shame and guilt about it but from everything that has gone on lately, I feel like I really need to start telling people how God is healing me through this.

Now I didn't address this addiction until December 2014 and since then I've been daily fighting to trust the Lord in it and I can proudly say by Jesus' strength only that it's been 138 days since the last time I looked at porn. 

But man sometimes it's still a hard battle. And some days are a thousand times harder than other days. And then sometimes I can even go a few days without even thinking about it. For example I haven't thought about looking at it for awhile now and I'm talking about like a month or so I haven't desired it and I was totally on fire for the Lord and working with kids and students and got to lead students at camp and this summer has been amazing and then late Thursday night, I was tempted harder than I've felt in a long time and by the prayers of others and the strength of Jesus, I didn't give in. But that's only when the battle began and I didn't realize it. I haven't been tempted as hard with porn since Thursday but Satan has used every other thing in my past to try to get me to fall since then.

Friday and Saturday, I was fine. I was in the Bible and praying and doing everything right and Sunday I got to serve some kids that I love with my whole heart and I got to serve alongside people that have become my family the past three months and got to stand and worship God standing beside people I can't imagine doing life without. Sunday was great. I came home and took a nap and then immediately when I woke up, Jesus was at work. I got to have an hour long conversation with a friend so dear to my heart and we both began to find healing in confession to one another and we talked only about Jesus for the entire hour and after that, I dove into Gods word and stayed up until 3am thanking Him and praising Him and craving to learn more about Jesus and then Monday morning here I am reading in Jude and so in love with the word of God and then just when I started to think that I have my life together, I let Satan in. 

By letting the enemy tricking me into believing that I had my own life under my own control, I allowed him the opportunity to speak lies into my head that lead me to writing this post. And I can be honest in saying that I will never have my own life altogether. It's never going to be a picture perfect scene that comes with the stigma of being a Christian but I love that I can rest in the fact that I'm a daughter of the Most High King who IS in fact, holding me together.

Anyway, if you know my story at all you know that in the summer between my 8th grade and 9th grade year, I developed an eating disorder (if you wanna read more about my story click here: http://notbondagebutfreedom.blogspot.com/2014/12/here-it-goes.html) So when I ate lunch today, I gave satan a little room in my head to tell me that I was fat enough already and didn't need to eat. I ate anyway because I mean I was hungry and it didn't really phase me. Then 5 hours later when I went to get something else to eat, I was overwhelmed by the fear of gaining weight and didn't want to eat anymore and I just began to cry. And then I just took a breathe and heard Jesus in my head reminding me of how much He loved me and so I ate my dinner. Two victories right? Thanks for that, God. Then I drank some water. What harm can come from drinking some water? Well nothing really unless you overindulge in it to prevent yourself from wanting food... which is what I did. I drank 5 bottles of water in half an hour to make myself consistently feel full so I wouldn't be tempted to eat anything and I was almost sick from making myself do that. Then God put me in a conversation with someone that made me realize the behaviors I was slipping back into and that He had given me victories along the way but that I was not done fighting for my freedom in the sin that bound me for so long. And that yes there is such freedom at the feet of Jesus but Satan is always going to try to slip into your mind and get you to think otherwise because he hates God so much for loving your soul so well. 

So the past 5 days I've been at war with the enemy and have been fighting to follow the Lord with all my heart and today I was blindsided by the enemy who thought he could get one over on God and drag me back down into self-hate. But man am I so glad to serve a God who loves my heart to death; literally to death in that He suffered so that I could have freedom. 

And I guess I'm sharing this with you to encourage you in your fight with whatever it might be.

Your fight might be porn

Or an eating disorder

Or cutting yourself

Or homosexuality

Or dealing with being the victim of rape or any other kind of assault

I don't know what your fight is but I can tell you that I serve a loving and caring Father who DOES know your fight and wants to come alongside you in the battle your facing and give you the victory in whatever seems too big for you to handle on your own. And I'm going to urge you to reach out to someone if you're going through something that's pushing you to the brink losing all hope. That someone can be me. It can be your best friend or your parents or whoever. But just talk about it because healing comes through confession.

To everyone that reads this: you are loved. you are enough. you are treasured and valued. and you do not have to fight this alone.

Speechless Yet Thankful

Words can't describe what I'm actually feeling right now but this is my best shot haha

As I'm sitting here writing this my heart is just overflowing with happiness, joy, and thankfulness. 

As I reflect on all the opportunities I've had this summer I can't help but thank God for each new relationship I've made.

In May I got to go to Africa for 18 days and a team I barely knew getting on the first plane became such a close family and important part of my life by the time we got off the last plane. 

After Africa I got to start serving at [FUSE] which is the youth ministry of my church back home. I thought this ministry had changed my life as a student; I had no idea what I was in for as a leader. I started serving with the VIP Team which welcomes and signs in students who are coming to [FUSE] for the first time. We get to connect with them and build relationships and then see them after the service and continue growing that relationship over food and drinks. My first night serving, I made relationships with other leaders that I plan on keeping for a very long time. I thought that this experience was God confirming His calling me into youth ministry but little did I know what He had in store. As camp (GauntletX) approached I got apprehensive as to whether I was even good enough to be a leader and whether or not my story meant anything. Then NewSpring called me and told me they wanted to use my story as part of a project they were working on for the church and that blew my mind. Guys I gave my life to Jesus one year ago and now He's using my story to reach others in such a vast way like woah. So things progressed in that and then Gauntlet happened. 

I walked in so nervous about leading the three girls who were going be to be in my room and the moment I sat my bags down to load on the bus, God gave me such a dear dear friend to do life with that week. I got to serve alongside Morgan all week and I couldn't imagine having any other girls be in my room. Their stories and their hearts spoke volumes to me and they taught me so much. That week was when God said "Hey this is the stuff I want you to get to do for the rest of your life" and man if that's not the best news I've ever heard! 

Tonight I just got done serving one of my last weeks at [FUSE] before I head back to Liberty. Tonight I got to say thank you to some very important people in my life for always pushing me and encouraging me. Tonight I realized how amazing of a summer I've had. Tonight I realized that I wasn't supposed to work at a camp all summer because if I had, I wouldn't be going back to school with these absolutely incredible people being part of my life. Tonight I am so overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness that I don't know what to do with it but write about it and thank God for every single second of it. 

So that's my summer and to you it may not seem like a whole lot but to me, this summer has been life changing and one of the most important seasons of my life.

At the beginning of the summer I felt so dry and yes I was in my word and being encouraged but all I had to go on every day was my knowledge of the Lord because my faith just wasn't feeling it. But through this I've learned that my faith isn't about just "feeling it." It's about waking up every day and ,no matter what I'm feeling, pursuing God with my whole heart because He has greater things in store for me than I could ever ask for or imagine.

I had the summer I had for a reason. Each new relationship I made had its purpose. Each lesson I've learned, I get to take back to Liberty and to the student ministry I serve with up there and God is going to continue to use me in huge ways because of what He's taught me in this season. I don't know what's ahead in this life but I do know that I'm so excited for the journey the Lord has for me.

I wish I could better explain all of the emotions going on inside me right now but this is the best I've got.

To you who made it this far in this post, thanks for reading.

If you've read this all the way through and you've been apart of my summer in any way at all, thank you. Because you where were God wanted you at the right time, you made a difference in the 3 months I've been home. You have made this one of the most memorable summers of my life and I am so grateful to you.