What's So Great About God Anyway?

Those of you who read my blog may or may not believe in God and I'm not here to be a "Bible beater" or to shove what I believe down your throat in any way. But this post is just about consistency more or less...

God's Consistency.

Let's think about this.

How many people are really consistent through your life?
- Family? Sometimes.
- Friends? Sometimes.

But unfortunately, we can't say always.

People in our family pass away. Some leave on their own.
     Of all things, I have dad issues. The man my mom was married to didn't want me. Growing up, my step- dad flaked all the time and cheated on my mom. My biological dad wasn't very consistent or persistent in his relationship with me either. My grandpa (the man I loved and trusted more than anything) died when I was eight years old and the family left around me fell apart. None of them were consistent. 

Think of how many "friends" you've had since preschool.
     I mean that's a ton right? Okay maybe, maybe not. I, however, have a bad habit of "being friends with everyone." Sometimes that's been good and other times, bad. I've lost a lot of friends. Surely you have too right? I mean you made memories with people but are they really still your friends that you can confide in and want to keep a consistent relationship with? No. They're simply people you say "hey" to if you run into them at the grocery store. That's okay! Not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever; but still, people just aren't consistent.

But let me tell you one thing:

God
Never
Fails

Let me backtrack for a second... What if God were as inconsistent as everyone else in our lives?

What if God gave up on us at a certain point or when we reached a certain age? 
What if at age 18 "adulthood" God said "Okay you're legally an adult! Hope you can handle it from here. Best of luck to ya."  
What if after college or high school, God stopped intervening in our lives?

I mean, I don't know about you but I would be completely screwed (to put it nicely). But really, I would be an utter mess.

Christian or not, God loves YOU and He intervenes for YOU in ways that you may never know about so that you stay safe and have more opportunities to receive Him as Lord of your life.

I for one am eternally thankful that God is so consistent in my life. Without His intervention in my life, I wouldn't be writing this post today. But by His grace, mercy, and purpose for my life, He intervened with the most amazing people in my life that have helped me grow so much closer to Him.

People aren't consistent. But know that the people in your life are there for a reason. They may be there for a short period of time. That's okay. Make memories, learn lessons, and let go when God says it's time. Some people aren't meant to stay in your life forever. BUT GOD NEVER LEAVES. He walks by our side every single day.

People are blessings from God that come and go in our lives. Some are meant to stay forever, some aren't. Whatever His will, it's all for your greater good. 

I want you to know that You Are Loved. <--- (CLICK THIS)

Fear vs. Faith

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile! My mom's not been well and I've been busy and stressed to the max. Any-who...

I've been reading a book called The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson and I highly recommend it.

This book talks about praying circles around Gods plans for your life and walking in full confidence in God's answer to it even if He hasn't given it to you yet. 

Batterson references this way of prayer to the way the Israelites circled Jericho 7 times before the walls around the city fell down. They trusted in knowing that whatever God's reason was in them circling the city, that they had to do as He said and circle the city in silent prayer until He answered their prayer according to their obedience to Him.

Another example Batterson gave was Peter walking on water with Jesus. So many times that story is just referenced to Jesus walking on water and calming the storm upon the sea. While Jesus walking on water is quite amazing, we often forget that so did Peter who was just an ordinary man.

When Jesus told Peter to come to Him on the water, there was no way Peter was going to tell Him no. But there was a reason Peter started to sink while standing on the water: Fear.

A lot of times, fear is a controlling factor in our lives. But what happened to the trust we're supposed to have in Jesus? What's so hard about trusting Jesus?

---- Fear ---- Not knowing what's next ----

Peter began to sink because he was fearful. He doubted God's power. Momentarily, Peter lost trust in God. We do that too don't we? We stop trusting God because we don't know His plans and we try to take control of our own situations.

Ever feel like you're sinking or drowning in the overwhelming circumstances in your life? I know I've definitely felt that way before but how did I survive? I surrendered my problems back to God and realized that I cannot handle this life and what it throws my way on my own.

Next time you feel like Peter and like your sinking in the midst of your storm, seek Jesus. Trust Him. Pray that He calms the storm in your life and not only will He do that but He'll take control of it and give you peace as well.

(1 Peter 5:7)
(Matthew 14:22-34)

Also not really related but, here are some other GREAT blogs you should check out :)

http://a-hypocritical-christian.blogspot.com/?m=1
https://ahypocriticalchristian.wordpress.com/
http://mycollegeadventuresanna.blogspot.com/
thekateway.wordpress.com

Far From Easy

This past week has probably been one of the hardest weeks of my life. I have had pretty consistent family issues, people feeding me negativity, and battling a strong spiritual warfare.

At the beginning of this semester it came to my realization that I had an addiction and I've had this addiction since I was 11. But until this semester, I didn't realize the massive impact it's had on my life. I've battled with it internally but never spoke up about it until I got home and it started to damage me more than ever. The past 3 or 4 days have been the worst because I started to plan out some very sinful and life- altering decisions for this upcoming week.

I planned sin. Who does that? Well I did and it was eating me alive.

Saturday night, I did not sleep at all. I don't mean I stayed up until 6 am or 4 am. I mean I did not sleep. And when the time came, I got ready and headed to church like any normal Sunday. I knew walking into church that God was dealing with me. God was telling me to speak to someone I trusted and get someone to keep me accountable and that's not what I wanted. I wanted to walk out. I didn't want to deal with it. 

Needless to say, I cried the whole service. The message was about hope. Having hope that God will overcome your most pressing circumstances. I broke down in service but dried my tears before anyone could ask what was wrong, but as I stood in the lobby afterwards, a great friend walked by and tapped my shoulder. Before I could think twice about my actions, I asked her if we could talk and then everything went from there. We talked and prayed and I feel better because I'm beginning to deal with my sin but I know the road ahead won't be easy at all, but who said it'd be easy?

Jesus' life on earth was far from easy. . . and He lived a perfect life! Matthew 16: 24 says "Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me." Suffering, bleeding, excruciating pain, death. . . does any of what Jesus did to save my life sound easy?

NOT AT ALL!

So I don't expect my walk through my life to be a piece of cake either. What I do know is that because Jesus loves me enough to die for me, He loves me enough to take these struggles and fight my battles with me. With Jesus on my side, I can't lose.

I was listening to this song today and was overwhelmed by the love that Jesus was pouring into me through it. No matter the sin we've committed, JESUS DOES NOT GIVE UP ON US. What a wonderful and life- changing truth and promise we can stand on!!

How amazing is that?!

The past few days, I've been reminded of 3 things.

1- You Can't Do Life Alone.

          We're not meant to! God put fellow brothers and sisters in Christ here on this earth for us to fellowship with, lead, serve, love, and hold one another accountable to what His word says.

2- If It Ain't Good, God Ain't Done.

          God is a good God that gives good gifts to His children. He doesn't want us to live in pain or suffering. He only wants the best for us in every situation and if you're in a situation that isn't looking good, then God isn't done. Find your hope in that.

3- God Is A Promise Maker And A Promise Keeper.

          Every promise God makes, He keeps. When we become followers of Christ, He promises to give us grace and to never fail us. Since I have become a follower of Christ, I've done (in my mind) the worst of sins, but He kept His promise to keep me safe. I know that because I'm alive right now and my suicide attempts didn't work. I know He keeps His promise to give us grace because I'm not in hell for all the things I've done wrong and for how truly unworthy I am. His promise to never fail me has shown me more light than ever the past few days because I've had people let me down that I thought never would but I've always been pointed back to Jesus because He Is Constant.

God is still God. God is still good. To God Be The Glory.

Excuses, Excuses.

I wasn't planning on writing tonight

But a conversation with a great friend of mine earlier made me come to a realization that I should have noticed years ago.

I have made excuses for my addictions; my habits; my sins my entire life.

We all do sometimes right?

I mentioned in my previous posts about my addictive behavior and how THAT was to blame for all the sins I committed.

No.

No it's not because of my "addictive behavior" it's because I chose time after time to sin. I chose sin. I chose what was worst for me. 

I was talking to a friend earlier about whether or not I should go to a party because I didn't know if alcohol would be there or not and if there was I didn't think I'd be able to "trust myself" not to get drunk.

Wow what an excuse.

An excuse I used to foreshadow my actions for years.

"I'll go but I don't trust myself not to drink."

What I said before EVERY party so that when I did get drunk, which I fully intended on doing every time that line came out of my mouth, I didn't feel as responsible.

Every single time I opened a bottle of liquor or can of beer, I knew exactly what I was going to do but because I convinced myself that I wasn't in control over it, I didn't feel guilty about it. 

Alcohol never became a true, struggling addiction for me but when I went through counseling for other things, alcohol was definitely a covered topic and how and why I shouldn't become dependent on it.

Any-who,

After I told my friend that, she suggested to get someone to keep me accountable and then followed up with: 

"Or you could hold yourself accountable that's always an option"

When I first read that my first reaction was "yeah right I dont trust myself enough" then I realized what a copout. I'm going to go to this party and if there is alcohol, I'm not going to drink at all and that's that. 

Is it one of my wisest decisions?

Probably not.

But I feel like I have something to prove to myself and I intend on doing just that.

I guess this blog will be short in sweet in saying:

Stop. Making. Excuses. For. Sin.

You can MAKE time for Jesus daily.

You can discipline yourself to not take God's name in vain.

You can resist the things that make you weak and tempt you.

With Christ, you CAN DO ALL things.

Hold yourself and your actions accountable with God.

*Philippians 4:13 ~~~ 1 Corinthians 10:13*

I Didn't Wait...

I didn't wait.

I wish I would have.

I didn't wait to have my first drink when I was 21.
I didn't wait to have my first cigarette when I was 18.
I didn't wait to have sex until marriage.

But why is waiting important?
I mean most people don't wait right?

I had my first drink of alcohol my freshman year of high school.
Okay lets be real not even my drink... the first time I got drunk was the first time I had ever drank in my life. Once I thought I knew how much "fun" it was and how "cool" it made me seem, I was hooked. I got drunk every time I had the opportunity too. I made a fool of myself countless times and always regretted it the next day but I did it all over again the next weekend because I started to realize what an escape from reality it gave me. I didn't drink for the pleasure or fun of it, I drank because I hated my life and drinking made my brain do weird things and I was able not be in my own body or state of mind and I just forgot about all the pain I had pent up inside myself. Still... I wish I would have waited.

Why?

Because then I would have had to speak up about my problems instead of drinking them away. I wouldn't have gotten caught up in lie after lie to my family and friends of everything being "okay." I would have gotten the help I needed earlier and maybe my life would have turned out different but God is still God and God is still Good.

18. Legal. (For the most part). I had my first cigarette when I was 13. My half- sister invited me to sneak off with her and her boyfriend at a family cookout and I went and that's when I felt she accepted me more into the family because I smoked with her. Then when I was asked to smoke at parties, I did. People were shocked that me of all people liked to smoke but I didn't "like" it; it just became a habit. Again, I wish I would have waited.

Why?

Because I wouldn't have given in, once again, to my addictive behavior. I wouldn't have been just another teen statistic. I wouldn't have had to steal money from my mom so someone else could get them for me. I wouldn't have had to cover up the smell, hide the box, or the lighters. I could have avoided a world of mess.


Everyone says to wait until you're married to have sex. It's more "valuable," "precious," "sacred," ... ... okay you get the point. 

And the thing is, it IS all of those things.

I didn't realize that until I gave it all to a guy that could have cared less about me. This guy gave me attention, told me I was beautiful and sexy and said all the right things. He told me I was worth it and that I was special. I believed him. I believed every word this boy said to me even though I knew he was talking to other girls. I had proof he was talking to other girls.
Okay... Call me and idiot because well.. I was.. but...
HE TOLD ME HE HAD SEEN/ WAS SEEING OTHER GIRLS. 

Did I care? Apparently not because I bought into those lies because I stopped looking for those truths in God. And I gave this boy what I didn't realize was so important to me. Did this boy talk to me after that? Nope. He got what he wanted and didn't speak a word to me until awhile later when he wanted it again. 

Moral of all of that?

Wait.
WAit.
WAIt.
WAIT.

You're young. You don't have to follow what society teaches us about having to have everything and anything right when you want it. I promise waiting IS worth it.

I'm 18.
Because I didn't wait, I crave alcohol sometimes.
Because I didn't wait, I want to smoke sometimes even though it's DISGUSTING.
Because I didn't wait, I gave up what was most valuable in my eyes and God's eyes: my purity.

The way I view men now- altered.
The way I think men should treat me- screwed up. 

But here's the catch.

Because of God's ABOUNDING GRACE and unending mercy, He has forgiven me. He doesn't see what I've done because I surrendered my past to Him. That part of my life, my lost purity, I gave that to God and He still loves me because that's what Jesus died for. Wow. 

I have been pure since January 2014. 
Almost a year now.
How Amazing.

God is still God. God is still Good. To God Be The Glory.

God In A Box

That's what we do right? We put EVERYTHING in a box because that's where it's safe. If it's in a box then we can control it...

Don't we do the same thing with God?

We tend to put Him in a box, tape down the edges, and put Him on the shelf to collect dust only to unwrap His greatness when we're desperate.

Lately, I've put God in my own box.

In my last post I shared my story with you guys but I'm struggling with other things too. These things are part of my story but I'm not quiet ready to share them until I've let God overcome these situations in my life.

Putting God in a box has been my downfall the past few weeks. During the stress of finals and my attitude towards spending a month at home, I put God in a box.

I told Him I didn't have time for Him. I didn't have time to let Him take control of my anxiety and worry. I told Him I would handle it myself and basically that I didn't need Him.

I said that to God. Of all people. God. The man who WILLINGLY gave His son to die for the freedom I have from the chains of sin.

I told this man I didn't need Him; that I as a mere human (who He designed Himself and put on this earth) could handle my own problems better than He could.

Wow. I amaze myself sometimes.

Anyway...

When it came to putting God in a box, things (obviously) only got worse.

I began to not interact with Him at all. Not through prayer, my devotion, or even worship which is my favorite thing to do. I had put Him in a box for what seemed like so long that I began to doubt if I even had a relationship with Him or if He was even real.

I blamed God for not being present in my life because I pushed Him away. Wow. I'm something else ya know?

But let me tell you...
Even when I put Him in a box and taped it really well and hid the box really well in a corner, He still showed up and showed out in my life. Here's a few examples:

1) My Brother.
          As I said in my story, my mom married my step- dad when I was 5 years old. With him came three of my step- siblings. Of all people I became closest with my brother who was much older than me. He was just like that protector that every brother is to his sister. I loved that. I loved him. About 5 years ago him and his dad (my step- dad) created WWIII. They stopped communicating and I wasn't allowed to talk to him or hang out with him anymore. I didn't know why. All I know is that it hurt a lot because I thought my brother had abandoned me and that was the last thing I needed to feel. However, I began to pray. I say the word "pray" lightly just because I was going through a tough time. However, I prayed the same prayer every time the holiday's rolled around for 5 years: That my brother would come have a meal with us. After last year when he didn't show up, I got discouraged in praying for it last year. But mom told me not to give up just yet. This Thanksgiving, my step- dad reached out to him and invited to our traditional Thanksgiving lunch and for the first time in 5 years, my brother responded with "ok cool." Well no one knew what that entailed so we acted in a way that meant Yes. That meant we believed with out whole hears he would come. And sure enough in the midst of making our lunch there was a loud knock on the door and it was none other than my brother who I had not seen in 5 years. Oh man were there tears. Tell me that wasn't God.



2) Victoria.
          Victoria is one of my dearest friends I've made while being at Liberty this semester. She was in my Biblical Worldview class and our friendship soared in Christ. She's a great gal, really. We talked about potentially being roommates, moving off campus, etc. When mom shot down moving off campus and living on the upper south side of campus, we weren't discouraged because we knew that we'd still remain friends and would make time for each other. However as Financial Check-In for the Spring Semester quickly approached, all hope seemed lost for Victoria to be able to attend Liberty this coming semester. I was heartbroken. To think one of my closest friends wouldn't be within an arms reach away anymore devastated me. So even though I was struggling spiritually I resulted to praying because that was all I could do. She did all that she could in asking for donations and just for prayers and on December 5, 2014 as I was on my way to Pennsylvania, I got a text message of pure joy. Victoria texted me and told me God was good and almighty (duh) and that Liberty/ the Falwell's gave her a scholarship that covered the money she needed to pay to be able to attend next semester. Again, a God thing.



3) Africa. 
          My heart, life, and joy. Africa. As some of you reading this may know, and for those of you whom I do not know, in the summer of 2012 I went on a missions trip to Sierra Leone, Africa. It was physically and mentally one of the hardest mission fields. We lived as they did with no real beds or running water for 12 days and I had no connection to my family back home so I thank God my mother was with me. Anyway, since I got home from that trip I've been praying that God would present me with an opportunity to go again. To keep sending me where my trust would be without borders. Summer of 2014, the opportunity arose for our team to be able to go back to the same orphanage and the same village and boy were we all over that. However, God ended up shutting the door. Because of the Ebola outbreak in West Africa, it was extremely dangerous for us to go and interact with the people there. After much debate and hope to still go, two days... TWO DAYS... before we were supposed to board our plane, the trip was cancelled completely and I was beyond devastated and hurt. I was so confused as to why God had left the door open for so long only to have it slam in our faces. However, my desire was still Africa. More than anything I've always wanted to travel and do missions in some way. After Global Emphasis week at Liberty, I put in an application form for two different countries in Africa. About a week or so later, I got a phone call from the Global Engagement Office and the voicemail told me that the trips I had applied for were full but to call back to explore other options. I didn't call back. I was too frustrated and "done with missions" because silly me didn't get what she wanted. However... God is still God and God is still good... right before I got Victoria's text message, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize except that it was a Lynchburg zip code. As I went to ignore it, my friend Katie told me to answer just to see... So glad God intervened through her in that moment... The call was from the Global Engagement Office wanting to tell me about other trips that still had open spots. The first place she mentioned was Cameroon, AFRICA. AFRICA PEOPLE. As I contently listened she told me that we would live as the people there did, which I was prepared for in my previous trip to Africa, and have the potential to work with deaf and hard-of-hearing people. I don't think I've mentioned this yet but just so you know, I AM A SIGN LANGUAGE MAJOR. I AM BEING EDUCATED IN THE DEAF CULTURE. That right there was God telling me, this is the trip I want you to go on. The woman on the phone barely got done telling me about the second trip option ( I honestly can't tell you where it was because I was so excited) when I blurted out to sign me up for Cameroon. She scheduled for me to have an interview the following Monday and I am now proudly able to say that things are in the works of me going to Africa in May of 2015 :)


But even through these works of God, I could clearly see Him working in my life but I was aggravated because I couldn't feel Him. After ALL of THAT I was STILL struggling with finding Him and feeling Him and being personal with Him.

I still had God in my box and He (being God) shone through and showed me He was still there and wasn't going anywhere.

At this moment, I'm still untaping that box I put Him in. I love to have control over things. When things spin out of control, I cling to my eating disorder and cutting. Not God. I'm working on that. 

I'm starting to pray again. Not just meek and mild prayers that I could do on my own but BOLD and AUDACIOUS prayers that only He can answer. These past few weeks have been rough but I'm untaping the box and letting God have control over my life again. Not just parts of my life but ALL of it.

All of this in saying: Don't Put God In A Box.

What's the point? In the end, He ends up showing up and showing out and makes you realize you're a dummy for putting Him there in the first place. 

Allow God to do more with your life than you could ever do on your own.

God is still God. God is still Good. To God Be The Glory.

Here It Goes...

I feel like because this is my first post that I'm supposed to engage you all with an amazing or wonderful story or deep logical thoughts but...

I'm not going to do that.

Instead, I'm going to let you read my life story... eh basically.
I hesitate on calling it that because my life isn't over yet but I guess you'll get to follow me on the rest of that journey when we get to it huh?



My story starts pretty broken.

When I was born, I didn't have a father. The man my mother was married to when she had me told her that if I wasn't a boy that he was leaving and that's what he did. That man however, wasn't my biological father even though I had his last name for 15 years. 

BUT

Luckily (in my opinion), I grew up in a Christian home.

WAIT.

DONT LOSE ME HERE. 

I promise this isn't a blog shoving Jesus down your throat. Just here me out.

Okay.. where was I?

Right. My life at home.

          It was alright. It wasn't the best but it was bearable. I was taken care of physically! I was fed, clothed, bathed, educated but also at a young age: neglected emotionally. My single mother, like most, struggled to raise me and continue to go school. I was often times left to play by myself and feed myself once I could push a chair against the pantry, climb it, and get food. I was often put in the care of my grandparents. My grandfather was my life saver. He was my role model, my support, the stable man in my life. When my mom remarried when I was 5 years old, that didn't change. My step- dad caused a lot more trouble than he was worth. I remember countless arguments and fights and slamming doors and tears and him leaving and us having no idea where he went or if he was coming back. That went on for 12 years. 
          Wednesday. March 3rd, 2004. I was 8 my grandpa died. My world was shattered. Rocked. The love and support and only great man I had ever known, crumbled beneath my tiny feet. I had no one. My step- dad we found out was cheating on my mom. My mom and grandma fell into deep and serious depressions and I didn't see much of my cousins or aunts and uncles either. The whole year was a blur to me. I just remember being alone. I didn't cry. AT ALL. Not at the scene when I saw him dead. Not when they rolled his lifeless body out of the house on the stretcher, not even at the funeral. I held it in. I became my mom's support system. I had to be strong for her. I couldn't let her, or anyone for that matter, see how broken I was inside. This eventually led to nowhere good.
Growing up, my step- dad was still the worst. I didn't have many friends. I did have one though. Her mom and mine worked together at the school we went to. She made me laugh. Kept me entertained and distracted from my pain. I can honestly say I don't remember a lot between the ages of 9-12. However at the age of 13, I met my biological father. I had begged my mom to her breaking point because I thought that any man or father had to be better than my step- dad. 

I was wrong.

          The first time I met him was fine. I met my step- mom and things seemed like they were going to be great. I started making plans to spend every other weekend with them. The first weekend I went I got to meet my half- sister (age 17), my step- sister (age 6), and 2 step- brothers (age 6 and 13 respectively). It was a lot to take in but they treated me like family. A month and a half went by and things were fine. I didn't see much of my dad or hardly talk to him but I was having fun with my step- mom and my brothers and sisters. One day while my dad was doing yard work and my mom was out with my older sister and younger brother and sister, it was just me and my brother who was the same age as me. I don't want to go into detail. I honestly don't remember the details. But. Things happened. He didn't rape me. But other forceful things were done and I didn't go back after that weekend. And I didn't tell anyone why. Those emotions? Yep. Kept that bottled up too. I refused to show weakness. It was a survival mechanism at that point.

And as if things haven't seemed to go bad enough in my life already, I made things worse. 
"How?" you ask?

- Self Destruction-

          Middle of my 8th grade year, I developed an eating disorder. I began to leave school ALL the time because I was "sick." I began failing my classes because I was simply never at school because I was "sick." I was disgusted with myself. I hated my life. I thought that if I changed my body, it would change the circumstances around me and things would get better if I was prettier or skinnier. And as if that wasn't enough damage to my body, I began cutting myself. The "cat scratches" on my arms and the "razor cuts" on my legs began to appear more and more and people began to ask and I drilled them with lie after lie. I felt hated. Worthless. Like a failure. Like I wouldn't amount to anything. All of that was pretty easy to believe when I got bullied at school for my weight and for my grades because I had to go to tutoring because I was failing because I never showed up. People asked because they were curious. not because they cared and I knew that.

Then one person came along who did care.
     I don't know why she cared. Why she wasn't scared to love me or to get me help but she cared and I hurt her so badly because I let her in and took advantage of her compassionate spirit.
     She talked to me. She listened. She let me vent. She let me cry. I told her stuff I had never told anyone in my life. I told her things I had kept inside myself for so many years. Needless to say, she became my best friend and I thank God that 6 years later, she still is. 

         Going into my freshman year of high school I had lost 70lbs in about two months over the summer when my eating disorder really started to take control. My best friend brought me lunch every single day and walked with me to the next class. I ate and kept it down because of her. Because she cared. She gave me the courage to speak up and tell my mom. I watched her cry because she was so hurt that I was hurting myself. I didn't want help but I did it for her. My mom got me into counseling where I refused to talk. I didn't want to be there. I hated every second. I didn't see anything wrong with me. I thought I deserved the punishment I was inflicting on myself. I lied. To my family. My best friend. Everyone. Told them I was okay and so my mom took me out of counseling. Then the cycle started over again. Sophomore year came along and I didn't have my best friend in any of my classes. I sat with her at lunch. She still brought me lunch but she had no idea what I did after because we didn't have the same class. I lied to her. Told her I was keeping it down and doing better. Sometimes she'd ask to see my arms and I showed her past scars and she believed me. Truth was I had just gotten better at hiding the other cuts. The next year and a half was nothing but lies and breakdowns. I actually began to make a lot of friends but no matter how hard they tried, no one could break the self- destructive cycle I was in. I began drinking and smoking and partying. I escaped reality any way I could. I found my identity in those parties and the guys I slept with. I hated my life more than anything and began to have suicidal thoughts. Not just thoughts but I knew exactly what I was going to do to kill myself. By my senior year, I had been to 3 counselors. None of them helped. I didn't let them. 

          In February of 2014 I attempted suicide for the first time. I dropped my friend off at school, made sure she had a different ride home, told her I had a doctors appt, and went home. I raided our medicine cabinet and downed 8 oxycodone pills without thinking twice. About the time they started to kick in and make me drowsy, a woman from the church I had began to attend, called me just to see how I was doing. Normally this wouldn't happen because she knew I was in school but for some reason, she did. I answered without thinking about my actions and she immediately knew something was wrong. She asked if I was okay and what I had done. I spat out the truth and didn't think anything would come of it. Didn't think she cared enough to do anything really. We got off the phone and she told me to keep texting her. Non- Stop. So I tried. My messages didn't really make sense but I didn't fall asleep which is what she wanted. The next thing I know, there's a frantic knock at my door. I opened it and there was my small group leader in tears. The woman had called my small group leader and she immediately took off work and rushed to my house because she knew I could die any minute. My small group leader proceeded to lure me into her car so we could ride around and 'talk' about what I had done and why. About 20 minutes into the drive, she told me she was taking me to the hospital and that I had to consent or she had to call the cops. I lost it. I broke. I have never cried that hard in my life. I eventually consented and then she called my mom and told her what had happened. She called the girls in my small group, with my consent, and asked them to come be with me and pray for me. As I was getting checked in with triage, my mom came bursting through. I have never ever seen my mom so hysterical. Not even when her dad, my grandpa, died. It was one of the worst and more unforgettable moments of my life. As they took me back to a room in the ER I got to see my best friend. We sat on my bed and she put her arms around me and we both lost it. Completely. I hated myself for hurting her. Hurting everyone. I was sorry that i hurt everyone but myself. That I didn't acknowledge or apologize for until much later. I spent a week on the dreaded 5th floor. The Behavioral Unit. I was made to talk to a doctor. I was put on lots of medication for depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder. During that time, my best friend came to see me a lot. I needed that. When my family came, it was nothing but fights and tears and ended up in my best friend staying as long as she could to calm me down. I broke off relations with my family that week. They didn't call or come see me. I didn't want them to. After a week of more lies just so I could get out of there, I got to go home and two days later, I was scheduled to go back to school. 

A world, again, where I had no one. 
         
          The hospital set me up with a counselor and I started to see her. I liked her okay. She was my favorite out of the others I had seen in the past. Things were weird at school and I had one girl who talked to me so I naturally clung to that because no one else would really talk to me. As the year went on and the pain I had caused people started to subside, I began building my relationships with people again and by the end of the year things seemed fine except I become dependent on some anxiety medication that had been prescribed to me. And by dependent I mean I do not remember the last two days of my high school career. The second to last day was field day and I had always hated it for some reason. So to "lessen my anxiety" I took about 20 pills before going to school. About halfway through the day I started to not feel good and tried to stand up to get water and almost collapsed. The next thing I remember was sitting in a wheelchair and passing out and waking up at home. The next day was a complete blur. It was my last day of high school. Ever. I downed the rest of my anxiety medication which was about 30 pills on top of the 20 the day before that weren't completely out of my system. I don't remember anything about that day except walking into the auditorium and passing out in front of the entire student body. They had to call an ambulance where I was taken to the ER and had to have an IV put in. Another suicide attempt. I didn't admit that to myself or anyone until months after but that's what it was. And I'm ashamed of all of my actions in 2014 to this very day even as the year is coming to a close. 

          Now I go to Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia and my life has changed tremendously. I have no utensils to cut myself with. Nor do I have that desire anymore. I don't take any medication. I won't let myself become dependent again. I'm under such great leadership and influence in my life at school and I have grown with God tremendously. It's been a crazy but great and life changing few months here at Liberty and I have loved every single second of it.

2014 is soon coming to an end and I have 2015 to make up for all I've screwed up this year. I have new friendships and strong walk with the Lord and although things are still so hard to deal mentally some days, I am confident in a God that will lead me through it.

So this is my story up this point.

I know it's been long and probably dragging so I may not post again for a couple of weeks but this is just the beginning of it all.

I hope for someone that this will make you realize that YOU CAN SURVIVE THIS SOMETIMES SUCKY LIFE. I'm alive today because of God's grace and intervention and I hope you know that you are NEVER alone in your battle. Ever.

*Philippians 4:6-7*