At the beginning of this semester it came to my realization that I had an addiction and I've had this addiction since I was 11. But until this semester, I didn't realize the massive impact it's had on my life. I've battled with it internally but never spoke up about it until I got home and it started to damage me more than ever. The past 3 or 4 days have been the worst because I started to plan out some very sinful and life- altering decisions for this upcoming week.
I planned sin. Who does that? Well I did and it was eating me alive.
Saturday night, I did not sleep at all. I don't mean I stayed up until 6 am or 4 am. I mean I did not sleep. And when the time came, I got ready and headed to church like any normal Sunday. I knew walking into church that God was dealing with me. God was telling me to speak to someone I trusted and get someone to keep me accountable and that's not what I wanted. I wanted to walk out. I didn't want to deal with it.
Needless to say, I cried the whole service. The message was about hope. Having hope that God will overcome your most pressing circumstances. I broke down in service but dried my tears before anyone could ask what was wrong, but as I stood in the lobby afterwards, a great friend walked by and tapped my shoulder. Before I could think twice about my actions, I asked her if we could talk and then everything went from there. We talked and prayed and I feel better because I'm beginning to deal with my sin but I know the road ahead won't be easy at all, but who said it'd be easy?
Jesus' life on earth was far from easy. . . and He lived a perfect life! Matthew 16: 24 says "Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me." Suffering, bleeding, excruciating pain, death. . . does any of what Jesus did to save my life sound easy?
NOT AT ALL!
So I don't expect my walk through my life to be a piece of cake either. What I do know is that because Jesus loves me enough to die for me, He loves me enough to take these struggles and fight my battles with me. With Jesus on my side, I can't lose.
I was listening to this song today and was overwhelmed by the love that Jesus was pouring into me through it. No matter the sin we've committed, JESUS DOES NOT GIVE UP ON US. What a wonderful and life- changing truth and promise we can stand on!!
How amazing is that?!
The past few days, I've been reminded of 3 things.
1- You Can't Do Life Alone.
We're not meant to! God put fellow brothers and sisters in Christ here on this earth for us to fellowship with, lead, serve, love, and hold one another accountable to what His word says.
2- If It Ain't Good, God Ain't Done.
God is a good God that gives good gifts to His children. He doesn't want us to live in pain or suffering. He only wants the best for us in every situation and if you're in a situation that isn't looking good, then God isn't done. Find your hope in that.
3- God Is A Promise Maker And A Promise Keeper.
Every promise God makes, He keeps. When we become followers of Christ, He promises to give us grace and to never fail us. Since I have become a follower of Christ, I've done (in my mind) the worst of sins, but He kept His promise to keep me safe. I know that because I'm alive right now and my suicide attempts didn't work. I know He keeps His promise to give us grace because I'm not in hell for all the things I've done wrong and for how truly unworthy I am. His promise to never fail me has shown me more light than ever the past few days because I've had people let me down that I thought never would but I've always been pointed back to Jesus because He Is Constant.
God is still God. God is still good. To God Be The Glory.
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